A few weeks ago, I had something of an…ephiphany? Realization? Over the past year to a year and a half, I have allowed my drinking to get out of control. Not in the sense that I was getting drunk, every night. But, that when I did drink, I was no longer stopping at just one or two drinks. There are entire chunks of evenings, entire conversations that I have no memory of. There are nights in which I was basically functioning in a blackout. I can deal with damage that I have potentially done to myself…the weight that I have put on, the fact that my skin isn’t as clear as it used to be, even whatever damage I may have done, internally. What I cannot deal with is that fact that I have hurt people…one person in particular. I lashed out at someone who was once one of my best friends. And, I have no memory of having done it. He no longer wishes to speak to me, to have anything to do with me, and seems willing to completely write off our friendship. That is how badly I hurt him, and I don’t even remember having done it. I have tried explaining, in an AA, making amends-type of way, and sadly it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Which isn’t to say that he’s an innocent victim in anything that happened between us, that got us to this point, because he certainly has to carry some of blame in the problems that our friendship had been having, anyway, over the past few months. But, regardless, no matter how angry, hurt or upset I may have been, allowing my drinking to escalate to the point of lashing out at someone whom I care about was inexcusable.
Many of the people whom I have spoken to about this feel that I am being extreme in my concerns of alcoholism. And, largely, I do agree…I don’t believe that I am an alcoholic, but I can see the possibility of that happening, if I don’t make certain changes in my life, regarding the amount I consume at any one time. It’s not going to be easy, but for any number of reasons, I cannot continue on the path that I was on. For the sake of my own well-being and to ensure that I don’t hurt anyone else.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Finding Freedom
Something happened yesterday that was both very upsetting and perhaps, very freeing. Basically, I was told that nothing I do is right, nothing I do is good enough, that I'm not good enough. While a painful thing to hear, of course, there is something (at least, potentially) freeing in this. Because it means that I don't have to worry about it, anymore.
The "it" to which I am referring is a friendship of mine. A friendship that had meant a great deal to me. Over the past several months he and I have been having several rough patches in our friendship...my being too demanding, him not living up to assurances that he had made to me, him keeping this from me, or not being completely upfront and honest with me. (To clarify, while one of my best friends, he is also an ex-boyfriend of mine.)
He and I were supposed to have gone to a concert together, in about a week and half. Given the rough periods in our friendship, (to which I am to blame, just as much as him), I had given him well over a month to let me know if he wanted to change his mind, regarding him and I going together. Finally, feeling that enough time had passed, and knowing that the concert was only a little over a week away, I sent him an email, letting him know that I had every intention of going into the concert with an open mind and that I hoped we could go and enjoy ourselves, as we had planned on going to this concert, for months. Yesterday, a few days after having sent that I email, I heard back from him, telling me that he didn't want to go with me, as he just wouldn't be comfortable, etc. I responded, telling him that at this point, it was too late for him to do this to me, that he had ample opportunity to do this, etc. Basically, an email argument, ensued, for a handful of emails, ending in my telling him that he could just have my ticket, and that I didn't want his money. Three different friends pointed out to me that as he was the one who waited until the last minute, waited until after I tried reaching out to him regarding the concert, he was the one who is having issues with feeling comfortable and isn't willing to sit and talk me as friends, as adults, that the right thing for him to do, the gentlemanly thing would have been for him to offer me his ticket and he could make other arrangements in trying to get other tickets. I have to say, I'm inclined to agree. But, at this point, I don't want to go to the concert, in any capacity.
While I certainly can't pretend that the entire situation doesn't hurt, because it does...all of it, the concert, the feeling that I have lost one of my best friends, the feeling that he is now somehow holding me entirely responsible (I have my blame to carry in this, there is no question about that, but he is certainly not an innocent victim, given the way in which he has treated me at times), there is something freeing in knowing that I just can't do anything insofar as he's concerned. I no longer have to worry about it. Yes, I have lost one of my best friends, but so has he. Because at the end of the day, even with our recent problems, I have been a damn good friend to him. So, I may have lost something here, but so has he. So, I may not be good enough for him...but, that doesn't mean that I am not good enough for plenty of other people. It hurts, it saddens me, it angers me...but, it's oddly freeing, too.
The "it" to which I am referring is a friendship of mine. A friendship that had meant a great deal to me. Over the past several months he and I have been having several rough patches in our friendship...my being too demanding, him not living up to assurances that he had made to me, him keeping this from me, or not being completely upfront and honest with me. (To clarify, while one of my best friends, he is also an ex-boyfriend of mine.)
He and I were supposed to have gone to a concert together, in about a week and half. Given the rough periods in our friendship, (to which I am to blame, just as much as him), I had given him well over a month to let me know if he wanted to change his mind, regarding him and I going together. Finally, feeling that enough time had passed, and knowing that the concert was only a little over a week away, I sent him an email, letting him know that I had every intention of going into the concert with an open mind and that I hoped we could go and enjoy ourselves, as we had planned on going to this concert, for months. Yesterday, a few days after having sent that I email, I heard back from him, telling me that he didn't want to go with me, as he just wouldn't be comfortable, etc. I responded, telling him that at this point, it was too late for him to do this to me, that he had ample opportunity to do this, etc. Basically, an email argument, ensued, for a handful of emails, ending in my telling him that he could just have my ticket, and that I didn't want his money. Three different friends pointed out to me that as he was the one who waited until the last minute, waited until after I tried reaching out to him regarding the concert, he was the one who is having issues with feeling comfortable and isn't willing to sit and talk me as friends, as adults, that the right thing for him to do, the gentlemanly thing would have been for him to offer me his ticket and he could make other arrangements in trying to get other tickets. I have to say, I'm inclined to agree. But, at this point, I don't want to go to the concert, in any capacity.
While I certainly can't pretend that the entire situation doesn't hurt, because it does...all of it, the concert, the feeling that I have lost one of my best friends, the feeling that he is now somehow holding me entirely responsible (I have my blame to carry in this, there is no question about that, but he is certainly not an innocent victim, given the way in which he has treated me at times), there is something freeing in knowing that I just can't do anything insofar as he's concerned. I no longer have to worry about it. Yes, I have lost one of my best friends, but so has he. Because at the end of the day, even with our recent problems, I have been a damn good friend to him. So, I may have lost something here, but so has he. So, I may not be good enough for him...but, that doesn't mean that I am not good enough for plenty of other people. It hurts, it saddens me, it angers me...but, it's oddly freeing, too.
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