The Drink

A few weeks ago, I had something of an…ephiphany? Realization? Over the past year to a year and a half, I have allowed my drinking to get out of control. Not in the sense that I was getting drunk, every night. But, that when I did drink, I was no longer stopping at just one or two drinks. There are entire chunks of evenings, entire conversations that I have no memory of. There are nights in which I was basically functioning in a blackout. I can deal with damage that I have potentially done to myself…the weight that I have put on, the fact that my skin isn’t as clear as it used to be, even whatever damage I may have done, internally. What I cannot deal with is that fact that I have hurt people…one person in particular. I lashed out at someone who was once one of my best friends. And, I have no memory of having done it. He no longer wishes to speak to me, to have anything to do with me, and seems willing to completely write off our friendship. That is how badly I hurt him, and I don’t even remember having done it. I have tried explaining, in an AA, making amends-type of way, and sadly it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Which isn’t to say that he’s an innocent victim in anything that happened between us, that got us to this point, because he certainly has to carry some of blame in the problems that our friendship had been having, anyway, over the past few months. But, regardless, no matter how angry, hurt or upset I may have been, allowing my drinking to escalate to the point of lashing out at someone whom I care about was inexcusable.

Many of the people whom I have spoken to about this feel that I am being extreme in my concerns of alcoholism. And, largely, I do agree…I don’t believe that I am an alcoholic, but I can see the possibility of that happening, if I don’t make certain changes in my life, regarding the amount I consume at any one time. It’s not going to be easy, but for any number of reasons, I cannot continue on the path that I was on. For the sake of my own well-being and to ensure that I don’t hurt anyone else.

Finding Freedom

Something happened yesterday that was both very upsetting and perhaps, very freeing. Basically, I was told that nothing I do is right, nothing I do is good enough, that I'm not good enough. While a painful thing to hear, of course, there is something (at least, potentially) freeing in this. Because it means that I don't have to worry about it, anymore.

The "it" to which I am referring is a friendship of mine. A friendship that had meant a great deal to me. Over the past several months he and I have been having several rough patches in our friendship...my being too demanding, him not living up to assurances that he had made to me, him keeping this from me, or not being completely upfront and honest with me. (To clarify, while one of my best friends, he is also an ex-boyfriend of mine.)

He and I were supposed to have gone to a concert together, in about a week and half. Given the rough periods in our friendship, (to which I am to blame, just as much as him), I had given him well over a month to let me know if he wanted to change his mind, regarding him and I going together. Finally, feeling that enough time had passed, and knowing that the concert was only a little over a week away, I sent him an email, letting him know that I had every intention of going into the concert with an open mind and that I hoped we could go and enjoy ourselves, as we had planned on going to this concert, for months. Yesterday, a few days after having sent that I email, I heard back from him, telling me that he didn't want to go with me, as he just wouldn't be comfortable, etc. I responded, telling him that at this point, it was too late for him to do this to me, that he had ample opportunity to do this, etc. Basically, an email argument, ensued, for a handful of emails, ending in my telling him that he could just have my ticket, and that I didn't want his money. Three different friends pointed out to me that as he was the one who waited until the last minute, waited until after I tried reaching out to him regarding the concert, he was the one who is having issues with feeling comfortable and isn't willing to sit and talk me as friends, as adults, that the right thing for him to do, the gentlemanly thing would have been for him to offer me his ticket and he could make other arrangements in trying to get other tickets. I have to say, I'm inclined to agree. But, at this point, I don't want to go to the concert, in any capacity.

While I certainly can't pretend that the entire situation doesn't hurt, because it does...all of it, the concert, the feeling that I have lost one of my best friends, the feeling that he is now somehow holding me entirely responsible (I have my blame to carry in this, there is no question about that, but he is certainly not an innocent victim, given the way in which he has treated me at times), there is something freeing in knowing that I just can't do anything insofar as he's concerned. I no longer have to worry about it. Yes, I have lost one of my best friends, but so has he. Because at the end of the day, even with our recent problems, I have been a damn good friend to him. So, I may have lost something here, but so has he. So, I may not be good enough for him...but, that doesn't mean that I am not good enough for plenty of other people. It hurts, it saddens me, it angers me...but, it's oddly freeing, too.

Trust Me

What do you do when someone betrays your trust? What does it take for them to regain that trust? At what point do you find forgiveness? Is it worse if a friend betrays you, or a lover? What if the person is one in the same....someone with whom you had been really close friends, but then it became more? Is delibrately withholding information the same thing as lying? (In my opinion, yes, it is.) Should saving the friendship and regaining the trust be a top priority? (For both parties, but particularly to the one who committed the betrayal.) Why does the potential loss of a friend hurt so much worse than the loss of a lover, even when the person is one in the same? What expectations are realistic, in terms of what the person should do to save the friendship and regain the trust?

I'm a very forgiving person...perhaps overly so. And, I can't just write people out of my life, even if I should. But, being hurt by a friend....for reasons of miscommunication, lack of communication, withholding of information...by someone who you believed would always be honest with you and would never want to hurt you, is a very hard pill to swallow. How do you reconcile the anger over someone not being honest with you, with the feeling of the loss....the loss of a friendship that meant a lot.

Forgivness is actually less of a problem...I can find forgiveness. I already have, to a large degree. But, what needs to be done to save the friendship? And, what happens if the efforts aren't made? Not only has then, a betrayal occured, but perhaps the friendship didn't mean that much...and, how do you deal with that realization?

It's easy to say that at the end of the day, everything will be fine. Necessary efforts will be made, or they won't. The friendship will be saved, or it won't. And, long-term, yes, that is all true. But, it doesn't change the feelings of loss, anger, confusion, et al, that exist in the here and now.

Welcome Guest Blogger and Author of, "Faking It", Elisa Lorello!

Thanks, Vicki, for hosting me on your blog! Readers should know that Vicki and I met on Facebook through a mutual dear friend of ours. She heard about my novel from him, read and enjoyed it, and has been incredibly supportive ever since. You can buy a print or download version of FAKING IT at Lulu.com, and it’s also available at Amazon. You can also follow me on Twitter@elisalorello, my blog “I’ll Have What She’s Having", or on Facebook at the Faking It Fans fan page.

If you’re looking for a fun summer read, then FAKING IT is definitely the book for you! Andi, a 30-something writing professor from New York, meets Devin, a handsome, charming escort, at a cocktail party and proposes an unusual arrangement: lessons in writing in exchange for lessons in how to be a better lover. However, when the two break the rules of their contract that forbids them from seeing each other socially and become friends, complications ensue. One of those complications, of course, is that Andi likes Devin as more than a friend. The tutorials take place mostly in Devin’s Manhattan loft during the summer months, and it gets steamy at times!

If you like When Harry Met Sally or Sex and the City, then FAKING IT is for you.

My favorite aspect of FAKING IT is the chemistry between Andi and Devin. As a writer, I’m very drawn to characters that have chemistry, be it romantic or platonic or some other form, and draw heavily on film and television character pairings for inspiration. And it doesn’t always have to be male-female. Matt and Danny on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip had great chemistry. So did Leo and President Bartlet on The West Wing, or Lorelai and Rory on Gilmore Girls. Then, of course, there’s Harry and Sally, the couple that most inspired me, or Tom Hanks’ and Meg Ryan’s characters in You’ve Got Mail, which developed through dialogue, and shows that chemistry isn’t only the result of physical attraction. Much of Andi and Devin’s chemistry is found in their conversation. They constantly call each other out on the carpet in ways that others won’t, despite the fact that they’re both hiding quite a bit from each other.

I’d like to know your favorite character couplings – in print or on screen – and why you love them so much. Is it Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy? Carrie and Mr. Big? Abbott and Costello? What makes their chemistry so electric? What makes them work (or not work)? Please leave a comment and share with us!

Is There a Doctor in the Hamptons?

I recently watched the season premiere of "Royal Pains" on the USA Network, as I admittedly have something of a Mark Feuerstein crush, and given my love of the former NBC hit drama, "The West Wing", I feel the need to support any actor whom ever appeared on that show. (For those keeping track at home, Feuerstein played Cliff Caley, in a recurring guest-starring role.)

The show was, of course, entertaining, well-acted, well-written, clever, all anyone can ask of a new television show, in a time in which the pains of reality television seem to still be taking over. It did, however, raise the question for me, of "concierge doctors", and whether or not such a thing really does exist, and to what extent. Do the glitterati in places like the Hamptons, Manhattan, Aspen, Los Angeles, Telluride, Miami, et al., really have concierge doctors? Medical professionals who don't work for a hospital or medical practice, but rather work privately, for the world's elite, allowing them to avoid documented medical care (and, potential public embarrasment and/or police action) for plastic surgeries gone awry and drug overdoses? Doctors who pull up in a fancy SVU with a myriad of portable medical devices in the back? A black, leather Coach bag containing perscriptions? (And, how many medical ethics are being violated by physicians randomly carrying a variety of perscriptions, and potentially carrying them over state lines.)

Perhaps it's my own ignorance or naivety on the subject, as I am not one of the world's elite, possessed with the luxury of a private physician. Now, I will admit that in this day HMO's, increasing difficulty to obtain services as insurance companies don't want to pay, and the never-ending pleasure of waiting for hours in a hosptial emergency room, for a broken bone or laceration, the idea of having a conceirge doctor isn't an altogether unpleasant idea. But, shouldn't affordable and quality healthcare be a basic right of all people, regardless of station in life? Shouldn't the person who takes out Donald Trump's garbage be entitled to the same medical care as The Donald, himself? This isn't the same thing as buying a Wii or an iPhone, it's healthcare. Doesn't healthcare fall under the three unalienable rights that are provided to all citizens of this country, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Isn't that precisely why there are valid arguments for universal healthcare in this country, and why it's really only going to be a matter of time before it becomes a reality? Is this just going to be one more thing, one more wedge-issue to continue to divide the have's and have not's in America, yet another thing to cause contention between the classes?

And, should we be questioning the ethics of doctors who do become concierge doctors? The physician who went from being the Chief of Internal Medicine at the Mayo Clinic or Mount Sinai, and who now pumps the stomach of some Hollywood starlet who is vacationing in the Hamptons, so that it doesn't end up on "Entertainment Tonight", when she is taken to the hospital. (Let's be honest, the people who have the resources to hire doctors on demand aren't hiring the general practioner from some little family practice in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.) Does it only feed into the idea that has been perpetuated by society, the media, and certain aspects of the medical community, that people only become doctors because they want to be rich? (Now, obviously, anyone who has a friend or family member that is a doctor, knows that hardly all physicians end up rolling in dough, too. As with any profession, a great deal depends on location and specialty. The pediatrician or emergency room physician at a local, community hospital isn't making anywhere near what that plastic surgeon in New York City or the cardiothorasic surgeon in Boston are making.) I don't doubt that many doctors out there would love to find a way to pay off their student loans, faster, but wouldn't any reasonable physician have some serious moral or ethical objections to this type of practice? Shouldn't it, in some way, be a violation of the Hippocratic Oath?

Now, Feurestein's character on "Royal Pains" is certainly an example of a concierge doctor with a conscience, who genuinely cares more for the patients he is called in to see, rather than what he is being paid from someone's black American Express card. Should concierge doctors really be as prevelant as they seem, based on the portrayal, we can only hope that they have the same moral fiber possessed by Feurestein's character. And, for those of us who have or will watch, "Royal Pains", we can only hope that continues to the enduring and endearing trait of the character, and that he doesn't turn into what I'm sure we all imagine is the stereotypical concierge doctor in the Hamptons.

On the Prowl

There definately seems to be an increasing interest in the older woman-young man relationship, as of late. While some actresses like Susan Sarandon and Goldie Hawn have been with their younger men (Tim Robbins and Kurt Russell, respectively), have Madonna and Demi Moore made it even more acceptable? Desirable, even.

Between the new reality show, "The Cougar" and new Courteney Cox sitcom, to debut in the fall, "Cougar Town", (and, just simple fact that a term, "cougar" was even coined, a few years ago, for women who date younger men), it's something that is being talked about and even examined more and more. Have we finally come to a point in our society in which is just as socially acceptable for a woman to date a younger man, as it is for an older man to date a younger woman? And, if so, what took us long to get here? Or, is that there is still something that seems rather illicit about the older woman-younger man relationship that has everyone tuning into a yet another reality show in which people voluntarily humiliate themselves, or network executives debuting new shows regarding the topic? And, how do the women who may be, by some, called cougars feel about it? How do they feel about the increased interest in, or attention to their dating and sex lives? How do they feel about the term, "cougar"? (CNN did a story on this topic a few weeks ago, in which many women were voicing their distain for the term, and felt that if a label needed to be attached to a woman who dates younger men, then they would prefer the word, "sophisiticat". Still in keeping with the feline imagery, apparently.)

As someone who did recently have a relationship with a younger guy (and, I'm playing it fast and loose with the word, "relationship"), there are aspects of it that were fun and appealing and aspects that weren't. (Allow me to preface by saying that unlike the Courteney Cox character in the upcoming ABC sitcom, "Cougar Town", or the woman who is allowing herself to be objectified on national television for her 15 minutes of fame, on "The Cougar", I am not in my 40's, typically the age range associated with woman who are called cougars...I'm 31 and the guy I had dated was 24.) He's a great guy, and we certainly had a lot of fun together, during the time in which we did date. But, it was definately hard for me to get serious about a guy who was still getting started in his life, while I am at a point of wanting to settle down and have a family. (Perhaps that is why "cougars" tend to be a bit older...the women who have already been married and had children and are now embarking on a new chapter of their lives?) And, it certainly didn't help that he was working as a bartender to pay his way through school, so he worked primarily evenings and weekends, while I work a Monday through Friday, 9 to 5-type of job. (He was so kind as to call me, intoxicated, at 3:00 in the morning, after the Super Bowl. The Super Bow being on a Sunday of course, meant that I was supposed to be waking up about 3 hours later, to workout, shower, eat breakfast, et al, before work. You can imagine my joy.) Do these relationships work better, when the women is perhaps in her 40's and has already done the marriage and kids-thing? (Or, at a point in her life where, even if she hasn't had those things, she wasn't looking for them in the first place, or perfectly content not having them?) Do they work better if the man and woman at least have more similar work schedules, as to prohibit one of them from being awoken in the middle of the night, for a booty call, on a work night, when the alarm is set to go off in just a couple of hours?

What is the increased interest within our society, as of late, regarding this relationship dynamic? Why was it so socially acceptable for Sarandon and Hawn for years (nobody ever seemed to question their relationships with their younger partners), both of whom have been with their significant others for longer periods of time than most other Hollywood couples, while most other women had (and, still do, to a certain degree) snide comments made about them? Are these women trying to recapture their youth, the things they may have missed out on, while they were focusing on their careers, or their marriages, or raising their children? Is the term, "cougar" offensive to a lot of women? What makes the older woman-younger man relationship work, what makes it successful? (Or is it necessarily supposed to be successful, long-term?)

I, for one, applaud women who are comfortable with themselves and their sexuality. And, if you're in your 40's and 20-somethings are finding you attractive and desirable, then you know what? You must be doing something right.

Loving "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit"

Like many people, I love the show, "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit", and watching with eagerness and glee on Tuesday night, as they aired the season finale.

I can't begin to express how happy I am that NBC didn't end the season with a cliffhanger episode, making viewers spend their summer, waiting in anxious anticipation for the new season to begin in the fall. Additionally, like most people, I am grateful that no one was taking my blood pressure, while watching the show. I think it's fair to say that Tuesday night's episode was one of the best of the show. (And, that's saying a lot, as every show is well-written, well-acted, and full of suspense and twists.) For those who watch the show, I think we all knew it was a matter of time before the character of Dale Stuckey was bid adieu, given the irritating nature of the character. But, as I'm sure many people were, I wouldn't have guessed, a few episodes ago, that he was going to go out in the manner in which he did. (I guess being bullied really can cause some people to snap!)

The main reason I was concerned, as I'm sure others were, that NBC would end the season with a cliffhanger episode is due to the fact that at last word, neither Christopher Meloni (aka Detective Elliot Stabler) or Mariska Hargitay (aka Detective Olivia Benson) had signed their contracts for next season, and were still in negotiations. Which leads me to ponder....how would it affect the show, should one or both of those actors chose to leave? Would it affect the ratings? Would people stop watching, given that a great many people feel that Meloni and Hargitay's characters, and their chemisty is a large part of the popularity? (While the ratings may not have been affected after the departure of Stephanie March, who plays ADA Alexandra Cabot, a lot of viewers were sad to see her leave, hopeful that she would return, expressing disdain for the other actresses who stepped into the role of the Special Victims Unit ADA, and very happy to see her return earlier this season, while remaining concerned that it my only be short-term, as she continues to appear in the credits as a "special guest star" as opposed to her name and photo appearing in the opening theme song sequence, along with Meloni, Hargitay, B.D. Wong, Dan Florek, Tamara Tunie, Ice-T, and Richard Belzer.) Would the overall chemisty and dynamic of the show be adversely affected should either (or both) Meloni or Hargitay chose not to sign a new contract? Or, would the show continue, essentially unaffected, demonstrating that it's more about the writing, the story lines, the direction, and the overall ensemble, rather than one or two characters? (Many a critic and viewer thought it was going to be the end of "ER", after Anthony Edwards left the show, especially since George Clooney, Sherry Stringfield, Julianna Marguiles and a few others had already left the show by that point, too. But, the show continued on, even with a seeming revolving door of cast members, for several more years, not calling, "wrap", until earlier this season.) Besides, hasn't the orignal, "Law and Order" been on the air, for something like 15 years? And, none of the current cast members have been with the show, since the beginning, not even Sam Waterston.

All of the primary characters on "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" are enjoyable to watch and brought to life by talented actors, and it would certainly feel strange to watch the show, should any of them permenately. (Again, people never warmed to the other actresses who portrayed the ADA, the way they did Stephanie March.) Who could preside over the squad better then Dan Florek as Captain Cregan? What would it be like to not see the smart street sense of Ice-T as Finn Tutuola, paired with the paranoid, conspiracy theorist of Richard Belzer's John Munch. Who could give the FBI profiles prospective better than B.D. Wong as Dr. Georg Huang, and would we really want to see any other medical examiner speaking for the victim, other than Tamara Tunie as Dr. Melinda Warner? But, somehow, it still seems to come back around to Meloni and Hargitay as Stabler and Benson, respectively. How would the departure of one or both of these actors affect the show?

Of course, we have summer for these actors to renew their contracts. And, the possibility of the Screen Actors Guild going on strike again, too, could make it something of a moot point, for awhile, too.