On the Prowl

There definately seems to be an increasing interest in the older woman-young man relationship, as of late. While some actresses like Susan Sarandon and Goldie Hawn have been with their younger men (Tim Robbins and Kurt Russell, respectively), have Madonna and Demi Moore made it even more acceptable? Desirable, even.

Between the new reality show, "The Cougar" and new Courteney Cox sitcom, to debut in the fall, "Cougar Town", (and, just simple fact that a term, "cougar" was even coined, a few years ago, for women who date younger men), it's something that is being talked about and even examined more and more. Have we finally come to a point in our society in which is just as socially acceptable for a woman to date a younger man, as it is for an older man to date a younger woman? And, if so, what took us long to get here? Or, is that there is still something that seems rather illicit about the older woman-younger man relationship that has everyone tuning into a yet another reality show in which people voluntarily humiliate themselves, or network executives debuting new shows regarding the topic? And, how do the women who may be, by some, called cougars feel about it? How do they feel about the increased interest in, or attention to their dating and sex lives? How do they feel about the term, "cougar"? (CNN did a story on this topic a few weeks ago, in which many women were voicing their distain for the term, and felt that if a label needed to be attached to a woman who dates younger men, then they would prefer the word, "sophisiticat". Still in keeping with the feline imagery, apparently.)

As someone who did recently have a relationship with a younger guy (and, I'm playing it fast and loose with the word, "relationship"), there are aspects of it that were fun and appealing and aspects that weren't. (Allow me to preface by saying that unlike the Courteney Cox character in the upcoming ABC sitcom, "Cougar Town", or the woman who is allowing herself to be objectified on national television for her 15 minutes of fame, on "The Cougar", I am not in my 40's, typically the age range associated with woman who are called cougars...I'm 31 and the guy I had dated was 24.) He's a great guy, and we certainly had a lot of fun together, during the time in which we did date. But, it was definately hard for me to get serious about a guy who was still getting started in his life, while I am at a point of wanting to settle down and have a family. (Perhaps that is why "cougars" tend to be a bit older...the women who have already been married and had children and are now embarking on a new chapter of their lives?) And, it certainly didn't help that he was working as a bartender to pay his way through school, so he worked primarily evenings and weekends, while I work a Monday through Friday, 9 to 5-type of job. (He was so kind as to call me, intoxicated, at 3:00 in the morning, after the Super Bowl. The Super Bow being on a Sunday of course, meant that I was supposed to be waking up about 3 hours later, to workout, shower, eat breakfast, et al, before work. You can imagine my joy.) Do these relationships work better, when the women is perhaps in her 40's and has already done the marriage and kids-thing? (Or, at a point in her life where, even if she hasn't had those things, she wasn't looking for them in the first place, or perfectly content not having them?) Do they work better if the man and woman at least have more similar work schedules, as to prohibit one of them from being awoken in the middle of the night, for a booty call, on a work night, when the alarm is set to go off in just a couple of hours?

What is the increased interest within our society, as of late, regarding this relationship dynamic? Why was it so socially acceptable for Sarandon and Hawn for years (nobody ever seemed to question their relationships with their younger partners), both of whom have been with their significant others for longer periods of time than most other Hollywood couples, while most other women had (and, still do, to a certain degree) snide comments made about them? Are these women trying to recapture their youth, the things they may have missed out on, while they were focusing on their careers, or their marriages, or raising their children? Is the term, "cougar" offensive to a lot of women? What makes the older woman-younger man relationship work, what makes it successful? (Or is it necessarily supposed to be successful, long-term?)

I, for one, applaud women who are comfortable with themselves and their sexuality. And, if you're in your 40's and 20-somethings are finding you attractive and desirable, then you know what? You must be doing something right.

Words Can Hurt, Too

As someone who used to work in the field of domestic violence and sexual assault, perhaps I have stronger radar as it pertains to healthy relationships and anger management and communication skills. But, I continue to be concerned by the number of women who find themselves in abusive relationships and don't realize it. Why don't they realize it? Because the abuse isn't coming in the form of physical or sexual abuse, it's coming in the form of verbal abuse. And, it seems that a great many people continue to either deny or at least not see, that verbal abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse. No one (or at least no one with a social conscious) would stand by and allow a parent to hurl expletives and hurtful statements at a child, so why do some of these same people not see that it's not different just because the husband or boyfriend is yelling degrading and derogatory statements towards a wife or girlfriend? Is it because adults should have the "equipment" to defend themselves, or fight back? Or is it that verbal abuse is still not widely acknowledged or understood, since it doesn't leave physical bruises or scars? (With that said, to paraphrase a former Supreme Court Justice, I may not be able to define verbal abuse, but I know it when I see it.) Do the women (and, men...women can be perpetrators of abuse and violence, too) think that they egged the person on, got them angry and riled up? Do they say, "but, he doesn't hit me...I'm not being abused", or do they just feel they deserve it.

Sadly, it's probably, more often than not, the last one. Boys who grow up in abusive households are three times more likely to become perpetrators themselves, while girls are much more likely to end up in abusive relationships, themselves. Boys see dad being abusive and girls see mom being abused.

The fact remains, however, that no matter what you may have done, being late for dinner, not being in the mood for sex, forgetting to record a tv show, no one has the right to make you feel as though you are less than you are. And, it continues to be of concern to me, when I even see friends of mine, women who are, in every other respect, strong, capable, forthright women, in relationships in which they are not being treated well...not treated well to the point of verbal and emotional abuse. (Note: if your boyfriend or husband wants to know where you are every second of the day, if he expects you to report to him by a certain point in the evening, if he expects an explanation as to why you didn't answer the phone when he called, it's not because he loves you and is concerned about you, it's because he's trying to control you. And, that's not live, sista.)

Does he call you names? Refer you to, using language that is demeaning? Does he limit your ability to communicate, openly, with friends and family? Does he embarras or humiliate you in public? Does he make you feel like you can't do anything right? Does he continually make fun of you? Does he expect to track your every move? Well, that's abusive behavior. And, the greatest concern is always that of it possibly escalating.

Women tend to be overwhelmed with these feelings of, "oh, but I know he can change." Can he? Of course he can. People can change, it happens all the time. Will he? Maybe. Maybe not. But, like everything else in life, people can only change when THEY want to, not because someone else wants them to. If HE realizes that his behavior is unacceptable, and is willing to go through the proper channels to address whatver his issues are (growing up in abusive household, issues of anger management, jealousy, trust, et al), then yes, it's promising. But, if that's not going to happen, then we can only hope that the women who find themselves in the position of being victimized by verbal and emotional abuse, find their inner strength to realize they deserve so much better, and that the world really is full of men who won't disrespect them.

And, for the men out there who do find themselves the perpetrators of abuse towards women, just remember...a woman brought you into this world, and another one can take you out.