A few weeks ago, I had something of an…ephiphany? Realization? Over the past year to a year and a half, I have allowed my drinking to get out of control. Not in the sense that I was getting drunk, every night. But, that when I did drink, I was no longer stopping at just one or two drinks. There are entire chunks of evenings, entire conversations that I have no memory of. There are nights in which I was basically functioning in a blackout. I can deal with damage that I have potentially done to myself…the weight that I have put on, the fact that my skin isn’t as clear as it used to be, even whatever damage I may have done, internally. What I cannot deal with is that fact that I have hurt people…one person in particular. I lashed out at someone who was once one of my best friends. And, I have no memory of having done it. He no longer wishes to speak to me, to have anything to do with me, and seems willing to completely write off our friendship. That is how badly I hurt him, and I don’t even remember having done it. I have tried explaining, in an AA, making amends-type of way, and sadly it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Which isn’t to say that he’s an innocent victim in anything that happened between us, that got us to this point, because he certainly has to carry some of blame in the problems that our friendship had been having, anyway, over the past few months. But, regardless, no matter how angry, hurt or upset I may have been, allowing my drinking to escalate to the point of lashing out at someone whom I care about was inexcusable.
Many of the people whom I have spoken to about this feel that I am being extreme in my concerns of alcoholism. And, largely, I do agree…I don’t believe that I am an alcoholic, but I can see the possibility of that happening, if I don’t make certain changes in my life, regarding the amount I consume at any one time. It’s not going to be easy, but for any number of reasons, I cannot continue on the path that I was on. For the sake of my own well-being and to ensure that I don’t hurt anyone else.
