Something happened yesterday that was both very upsetting and perhaps, very freeing. Basically, I was told that nothing I do is right, nothing I do is good enough, that I'm not good enough. While a painful thing to hear, of course, there is something (at least, potentially) freeing in this. Because it means that I don't have to worry about it, anymore.
The "it" to which I am referring is a friendship of mine. A friendship that had meant a great deal to me. Over the past several months he and I have been having several rough patches in our friendship...my being too demanding, him not living up to assurances that he had made to me, him keeping this from me, or not being completely upfront and honest with me. (To clarify, while one of my best friends, he is also an ex-boyfriend of mine.)
He and I were supposed to have gone to a concert together, in about a week and half. Given the rough periods in our friendship, (to which I am to blame, just as much as him), I had given him well over a month to let me know if he wanted to change his mind, regarding him and I going together. Finally, feeling that enough time had passed, and knowing that the concert was only a little over a week away, I sent him an email, letting him know that I had every intention of going into the concert with an open mind and that I hoped we could go and enjoy ourselves, as we had planned on going to this concert, for months. Yesterday, a few days after having sent that I email, I heard back from him, telling me that he didn't want to go with me, as he just wouldn't be comfortable, etc. I responded, telling him that at this point, it was too late for him to do this to me, that he had ample opportunity to do this, etc. Basically, an email argument, ensued, for a handful of emails, ending in my telling him that he could just have my ticket, and that I didn't want his money. Three different friends pointed out to me that as he was the one who waited until the last minute, waited until after I tried reaching out to him regarding the concert, he was the one who is having issues with feeling comfortable and isn't willing to sit and talk me as friends, as adults, that the right thing for him to do, the gentlemanly thing would have been for him to offer me his ticket and he could make other arrangements in trying to get other tickets. I have to say, I'm inclined to agree. But, at this point, I don't want to go to the concert, in any capacity.
While I certainly can't pretend that the entire situation doesn't hurt, because it does...all of it, the concert, the feeling that I have lost one of my best friends, the feeling that he is now somehow holding me entirely responsible (I have my blame to carry in this, there is no question about that, but he is certainly not an innocent victim, given the way in which he has treated me at times), there is something freeing in knowing that I just can't do anything insofar as he's concerned. I no longer have to worry about it. Yes, I have lost one of my best friends, but so has he. Because at the end of the day, even with our recent problems, I have been a damn good friend to him. So, I may have lost something here, but so has he. So, I may not be good enough for him...but, that doesn't mean that I am not good enough for plenty of other people. It hurts, it saddens me, it angers me...but, it's oddly freeing, too.
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