This past weekend was the Relay for Life event, to raise money for the American Cancer Society, here in Williamsburg, VA. The event was held at Jamestown High School.
While I have participated in many Relay for Life events in the past, this was my first year as a team captain. I named the team, "Billie's Belles", after my mother (whose name was Billie, obviously), who lost her own battle with breast cancer in May 2003. Overall, I have to say that I think we were pretty successful, considering it was my first year as a team captain. (And, I didn't form my team and start fundraising until pretty late. Plus, I gave a lot of energy to an MS Walk that I did for a friend of mine, in Hershey, PA.) We didn't meet our team goal, but I did surpass my personal fundraising goal. (And, the fundraising efforts aren't done yet! We still have until July 23rd to raise money...http://main.acsevents.org/goto/billiesbelles.)
In the grand scheme of things, I know I should just take pride in the job I did, my first time out, as a team captain, and be happy for the money we raised, for the American Cancer Society, while also being grateful for those who donated and/or came out to walk with me, in the event. But, I am still struggling with some feelings of disappointment. Disappointment in myself for not focusing on it more and devoting more time to it, disappointment in those people whom I really thought would have at least responded to my requests for donations and/or team members, with emotional support, "hey, I can't make it to the event, and money is really tight, but I just want you to know that I'll be thinking about you. Good luck!", and disappointment in feeling that I let my mom down, somehow, in not doing more.
Obviously, I am incredibly grateful to those wonderful friends who not only came out to walk with me, but even stayed with me all, night, for the full 12 hours. And, I am so touched and humbled by the number of people whom did donate, especially given the tough economic times in which we all find ourselves. But, there is still that nagging feeling that I didn't do enough, and I'm having a very hard time reconciling my feelings of disappointment not only in myself, but in others.
I'll be the first to acknowledge that we can't all do everything or give to everything...I certainly can't. But, I do at least try. Even if I can't attend the fundraiser, the sporting event, the show, et al, that a friend is involved with, even if I can't contribute financially, I do what I can to let them know that I'm proud of them and will be thinking about them. And, I'm finding it rather discouraging, knowing that I certainly do what I can to be there for people, to feel as though as I have been let down by certain people....especially when some of them are people whom have often counted on me to be there for them. Now, I am certainly pretty hard on myself....and, as such, perhaps I'm harder on others than I should be. But, with that said, I don't think I expect anything of others that I don't expect of myself.
I'm confident that whatever feelings of disappointment I'm currently feeling in both myself and others, is something that I will get over. I don't believe in holding grudges. I just wanted this to be a grand success, for my mom, who was a great woman, and someone whom I miss every day.
I supposed the important thing is to take all of this as a learning experience, for the future, for any other Relay for Life events (or Susan G. Komen) that I may head-up.
