Words Can Hurt, Too

As someone who used to work in the field of domestic violence and sexual assault, perhaps I have stronger radar as it pertains to healthy relationships and anger management and communication skills. But, I continue to be concerned by the number of women who find themselves in abusive relationships and don't realize it. Why don't they realize it? Because the abuse isn't coming in the form of physical or sexual abuse, it's coming in the form of verbal abuse. And, it seems that a great many people continue to either deny or at least not see, that verbal abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse. No one (or at least no one with a social conscious) would stand by and allow a parent to hurl expletives and hurtful statements at a child, so why do some of these same people not see that it's not different just because the husband or boyfriend is yelling degrading and derogatory statements towards a wife or girlfriend? Is it because adults should have the "equipment" to defend themselves, or fight back? Or is it that verbal abuse is still not widely acknowledged or understood, since it doesn't leave physical bruises or scars? (With that said, to paraphrase a former Supreme Court Justice, I may not be able to define verbal abuse, but I know it when I see it.) Do the women (and, men...women can be perpetrators of abuse and violence, too) think that they egged the person on, got them angry and riled up? Do they say, "but, he doesn't hit me...I'm not being abused", or do they just feel they deserve it.

Sadly, it's probably, more often than not, the last one. Boys who grow up in abusive households are three times more likely to become perpetrators themselves, while girls are much more likely to end up in abusive relationships, themselves. Boys see dad being abusive and girls see mom being abused.

The fact remains, however, that no matter what you may have done, being late for dinner, not being in the mood for sex, forgetting to record a tv show, no one has the right to make you feel as though you are less than you are. And, it continues to be of concern to me, when I even see friends of mine, women who are, in every other respect, strong, capable, forthright women, in relationships in which they are not being treated well...not treated well to the point of verbal and emotional abuse. (Note: if your boyfriend or husband wants to know where you are every second of the day, if he expects you to report to him by a certain point in the evening, if he expects an explanation as to why you didn't answer the phone when he called, it's not because he loves you and is concerned about you, it's because he's trying to control you. And, that's not live, sista.)

Does he call you names? Refer you to, using language that is demeaning? Does he limit your ability to communicate, openly, with friends and family? Does he embarras or humiliate you in public? Does he make you feel like you can't do anything right? Does he continually make fun of you? Does he expect to track your every move? Well, that's abusive behavior. And, the greatest concern is always that of it possibly escalating.

Women tend to be overwhelmed with these feelings of, "oh, but I know he can change." Can he? Of course he can. People can change, it happens all the time. Will he? Maybe. Maybe not. But, like everything else in life, people can only change when THEY want to, not because someone else wants them to. If HE realizes that his behavior is unacceptable, and is willing to go through the proper channels to address whatver his issues are (growing up in abusive household, issues of anger management, jealousy, trust, et al), then yes, it's promising. But, if that's not going to happen, then we can only hope that the women who find themselves in the position of being victimized by verbal and emotional abuse, find their inner strength to realize they deserve so much better, and that the world really is full of men who won't disrespect them.

And, for the men out there who do find themselves the perpetrators of abuse towards women, just remember...a woman brought you into this world, and another one can take you out.